These past 3 months have been the most difficult 3 months of my life! Not only physically but, mentally & emotionally as well. I unfortunately attended 3 funeral each month that drained me emotionally & physically. MS freaks out when my body is in emotional distress. 3 funeral in 3 months (one a month, & yes I believe horrible things happen in 3's) these 3 were so difficult due to the fact that they were all in their early 30's! WTF?! I don't handle "young funerals" very well. Especially last months funeral. I lost my dear friend Liz. Well Liz was really like a mother/sister to me (she hated when I called her mom & corrected me when I did so. She wanted to make sure that I thought of her as a sister). She taught me so many things, from how to tie my shoes to how to ride a two wheeled bike. As you can imagine this women was a huge part of my life, she helped mold me into the person I am today. In fact she is the reason this blog even exists. She counseled me in how therapeutic a blog could be. She even named the blog MS & I. This women was such a light to anyone who had the opportunity to meet her. She has defiantly left a gaping hole in this world, that could never & will never be filled.
I think another reason her death left me as a tear filled wreck was due to the way her life ended. She unfortunately lost a battle with depression. While at the viewing, wheeling through the deep sea of black clad sorrow we came to her husband. As you can imagine, this man was having to grieve with the fact that his beautiful wife, best friend & mother to his children was now gone. The first thing that came to mind was my husband Jeff. This viewing seemed to be a glimpse into how Jeff's life could have been just over two years ago when I attempted to end my own life. The immense regret I began to feel was so overwhelming, I had a hard time containing my emotions. I can not believe that I almost put Jeff in the same situation. It left me wondering why did I survive? Why was is that Jeff was able to discover me & then rush me to the ER moments before I stopped breathing & to spend the following week in the ICU on life support & then able to go home with my family just five days later, alive & well. Why me? Now I'm not asking as if I am wishing that I would have lost my life that night, but why did I survive. Why was my life saved? I wake up every morning feeling blessed to be putting my two feet on the floor & to spend my days with my beautiful Bean. Even though some days may be tear filled due to my lack of health & the inability to due simple thing like taking Sawyer to preschool or for a walk. I know I am here for a reason. I leaned very quickly after that distressing event I NEVER want to be in that situation again & to NEVER cause the grief I caused to those I love.
I am begging anyone that is reading this & just might be suffering with any of those debilitating thoughts to please, please, please redirect your thinking pattern to realize that just because it might be easier for you to let go, it is not that simple for your loved ones.
I used to be embarrassed to even mention depression in my blog posts. But here I am, about 7 years later of blogging. I am divulging information about my life that I thought I would never openly talk/blog about. Liz told me how therapeutic blogging could be for me. That it would not only be a way to express my feelings, but that it works as a journal for me to look back on when times get hard or when I need a reminder that this life isn't as bad as it seems.
Long story short, please don't learn that you don't want to loose your life after a week on life support & trying to repair the damaged you caused to love ones. SPEAK up, don't be afraid to say something. I thank God everyday that even though I am not the usual house wife that is unable to take her own daughter to preschool. I am so lucky that everyday is spent with her. That I still get to share this crazy adventure with my husband & best friend. For whatever reason I am here & that this is difficult life MS journey is meant to be lived by me. "Sometimes I wish life were easier, but where's the fun in that?"- Samantha Gramse