Hawaii...

last month we had the opportunity to tag along with some friends to Kona, Hawaii for  a week. It seemed like the perfect way to celebrate the end of my quarantine. Our fly out day was exactly one week after I was cleared to travel. So as we planned the trip I figured this new medication would "kick in" by the time we made it to Hawaii. Unfortunately, that was not the case. The entire vacation was spent in the wheelchair.

I hate having my picture taken in the chair. I almost always find a way to stand up for a "normal" picture. Luckily I have an amazing family and friends that make sure I am taken care of. 

Long story short... Hawaii was beautiful & a wonderful way to break my quarantine. Even though I was hoping for some miracle healing power before we left I am starting to see improvements. I'm not running up and down the street but very small things like buttoning Sawyer's shirt is giving me hope! You have no idea how gratifying that felt! In the mean time I must remind my self that patients is a virtue and that while this treatment didn't provide me instant health, It did what it was meant to do (knock out my immune system). No matter how minor the improvements might be I believe a positive outlook is what is going to make the difference. 

"A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you." -Joyce Meyer

Continued…

 It was so sad to learn about Chris Cornell this morning, found this article that I totally love and thought I would share !  Seems to go hand-in-hand with my last post.

By Nicole Alvarez

It’s impossible to understand why Chris Cornell did what he did. It’s incomprehensible. However, what you CAN try and understand is that depression is the devil. Depression, which is compounded by loneliness, isolation, self-loathing, hopelessness, and sometimes chemicals and addiction, will take a human and pin them to the ground face down until they are out of air and all they see is darkness. So, plain and simple, if you know anyone that you even remotely think is going through something, anything, you reach out. Pay attention to your feelings and always assume that the people you know have them too and sometimes can’t handle them alone. Basically, give a shit. Wake up and give a shit. This life is not meant to be lived alone in your head, it’s a gat damn team effort, strength in numbers. Back in the day, gladiators, some bad ass motherf*ckers, had a very inspirational approach to victory. They believed that to win, you have to fight as a single unit. I’ve always loved that. We fight as a single unit. If the person next to me is hurt, I’m going to put my arm around them and who knows, in helping them, maybe a part of me that needs healing is served as well. The least we can do is try.

3 months...

These past 3 months have been the most difficult 3 months of my life! Not only physically but, mentally & emotionally as well. I unfortunately attended 3 funeral each month that drained me emotionally & physically. MS freaks out when my body is in emotional distress. 3 funeral in 3 months (one a month, & yes I believe horrible things happen in 3's) these 3 were so difficult due to the fact that they were all in their early 30's! WTF?! I don't handle "young funerals" very well. Especially last months funeral. I lost my dear friend Liz. Well Liz was really like a mother/sister to me (she hated when I called her mom & corrected me when I did so. She wanted to make sure that I thought of her as a sister). She taught me so many things, from how to tie my shoes to how to ride a two wheeled bike. As you can imagine this women was a huge part of my life, she helped mold me into the person I am today. In fact she is the reason this blog even exists. She counseled me in how therapeutic a blog could be. She even named the blog MS & I. This women was such a light to anyone who had the opportunity to meet her. She has defiantly left a gaping hole in this world, that could never & will never be filled.

I think another reason her death left me as a tear filled wreck was due to the way her life ended. She unfortunately lost a battle with depression. While at the viewing, wheeling through the deep sea of black clad sorrow we came to her husband. As you can imagine, this man was having to grieve with the fact that his beautiful wife, best friend & mother to his children was now gone. The first thing that came to mind was my husband Jeff. This viewing seemed to be a glimpse into how Jeff's life could have been just over two years ago when I attempted to end my own life. The immense regret I began to feel was so overwhelming, I had a hard time containing my emotions. I can not believe that I almost put Jeff in the same situation. It left me wondering why did I survive? Why was is that Jeff was able to discover me & then rush me to the ER moments before I stopped breathing & to spend the following week in the ICU on life support & then able to go home with my family just five days later, alive & well. Why me? Now I'm not asking as if I am wishing that I would have lost my life that night, but why did I survive. Why was my life saved? I wake up every morning feeling blessed to be putting my two feet on the floor & to spend my days with my beautiful Bean. Even though some days may be tear filled due to my lack of health & the inability to due simple thing like taking Sawyer to preschool or for a walk. I know I am here for a reason. I leaned very quickly after that distressing event I NEVER want to be in that situation again & to NEVER cause the grief I caused to those I love. 

I am begging anyone that is reading this & just might be suffering with any of those debilitating thoughts to please, please, please redirect your thinking pattern to realize that just because it might be easier for you to let go, it is not that simple for your loved ones. 

I used to be embarrassed to even mention depression in my blog posts. But here I am, about 7 years later of blogging. I am divulging information about my life that I thought I would never openly talk/blog about. Liz told me how therapeutic blogging could be for me. That it would not only be a way to express my feelings, but that it works as a journal for me to look back on when times get hard or when I need a reminder that this life isn't as bad as it seems. 

Long story short, please don't learn that you don't want to loose your life after a week on life support & trying to repair the damaged you caused to love ones. SPEAK up, don't be afraid to say something.  I thank God everyday that even though I am not the usual house wife that is unable to take her own daughter to preschool. I am so lucky that everyday is spent with her. That I still get to share this crazy adventure with my husband & best friend. For whatever reason I am here & that this is difficult life MS journey is meant to be lived by me. "Sometimes I wish life were easier, but where's the fun in that?"- Samantha Gramse