MS & I

Sunday, April 26, 2015

What I learned from the Bruce Jenner interview...

I understand that what I am going through is nothing compared to what someone who is transgendered is going through... although lets be honest, I don't believe that I am in the right body at all! I should be spending my 20's running, dancing and laughing. Instead I have been spending it in doctors offices, hospitals and crying.

"Everybody has something" well MS is my "something" and God wanted me to go through this now, while I am young. There are many things that I am having to learn, but I am not going to lie I am loosing patients, I am ready to move one from this trial, I fear that I am becoming a bitter and unhappy person due to my disability. Yes I am embarrassed constantly due to the many symptoms of MS. I tell Jeff that I just want to move away and start anew. But unfortunately this is just going to follow me wherever I go. So I just have to learn how to deal with it.  

So the next thing I learned from Bruce is just to be out there. I know I have been open about a lot on social media, but I just want to spread the word that disease does not discriminate! Yes I am young (trust me I know, people keep telling me like I don't) Next, and this is a part of the interview that really meant a lot to me even though I am sure it didn't to anyone else but, they mentioned how hard it was financially for him during his life and how hard he worked to get to where he was and now is. Yes I am a college drop out, I do not have a job and probably wont for a long time, but I am a stay at home mother. A "job" I never thought I would have. I have so so many successful friends and that's OK that I am not, that just wasn't meant to be part of my life. 

"Turn your fear into fire" I do not want to leave the house. I really just want to hide. But I do it anyways, the nights I do usually end in tears. But like he said I need to turn that fear into fire. Sometimes I am so beyond embarrassed and terrified I just want to collapse and disappear. I guess the next thing I need to learn is bravery. While having a muscle spasm/crying fit last night Jeff kept repeating to me that I am strong, cracking jokes and reminding me that what does embarrass me is not my fault. This is beyond my control. 

Bruce also spoke on suicide. He thought about it but decided "I want to know how this story ends" I know I will run and dance again. Just not sure when. Until that day I will just have to deal with the fact that I am sick, this is beyond my control. I cannot help but be embarrassed, like Jeff says "just get over it!" It's time to turn my fear into fire. 

1 comment:

  1. Uuuhhhg... So I typed quite a large response to your post, and unfortunately forgot my Google login and lost what I wrote in the process. Essentially what I said, is that even though I don't know you personally, I feel like I know you. I know your struggle and I know your pain. I am also in my 20s living with MS with two boys under the age of two. My second son was born with Down syndrome, and a large fear of mine is the possibility that I won't be able to take care of him when I am older and he still needs me. In recent conversations with close family members, I have found myself broken down into a mess of tears. I keep finding myself saying how unfair it is that I have to deal with something like this so early in my life. I am able to take walks now, but rarely do, due to the fact that a simple walk around the block knocks me on my ass for the rest of the day. I should be grateful because I was once wheelchair-bound, but I still find myself angry. I feel that most days I am between being absolutely angry or absolutely devastated. I find my life at a standstill while my friends around me become more successful and more career-driven than I am. I never thought that I would get overwhelmed to a point of exhaustion at the thought of my life. Oddly enough, I was writing a list of things that I wanted to do for my life before I stumbled across your Instagram post that brought me to your blog. I guess what I wanted to say is this: you will dance again one day. You and I will show MS that we are more than what the fears of our mind limit us to. We may have to try 10 times harder and face more struggles compared to others, but we will overcome. We will triumph. As mothers, we don't have any other option. It is up to us to not let the disabilities, embarrassments, fears, or waves of discouragement drown us. Like I said, I may not know you---but I still feel that I do. Keeping our hopes and spirits above water will be the hardest part, but you will dance again one day (I won't though---simply because I hate dancing. ;)).