Relapse...

Well I knew it was going to happen one day I just didn’t think it would happen only 3 months after getting out of the hospital. As usual I tried taking on way to much and decided to finish my last two classes to apply for nursing school. Three weeks into the class I began to feel very sick and I knew something just wasn’t right. Soon my left foot began to go numb again. One day in cadaver lab I just began to have a panic attack and just started to cry. I knew I needed to leave right away, and hurried home. I cried the whole way home. I think I cried for two days straight because I once again had to drop out of school. I am so terrified I will never be able to accomplish anything in life because of this. I honestly am terrified for my future and find myself beyond depressed. I am so scared for my future and only want to be successful, as a mother, and a great wife and I find myself lacking. My left foot, arm, and FACE are now numb. Jeff and I made a trip to my MS specialist and got more bad news…my rheumatoid numbers are very high. What this means I am not sure and either does my doctor, she assured me it could mean a number of things. I will now have to see a rheumatologist and get to the bottom of these high numbers and can only pray for the best. I will be going into the hospital on Thursday morning to begin a drug treatment of solumedrol (super strong steroids) although they hurt like a nut job I truly do love them due to the fact they help me feel things again! This is THE hardest thing that I have ever had to go through next to losing my brother. I have a hard time understanding the plan my heavenly father has for me but I am sure there is a reason for all of my pain and suffering. I just have to have patients. I am so thankful for my sweet Jeff for understanding and his sureness that I can make it through. For his pep talks every night that he loves me with all his heart and that he will never leave me no matter how hard this may become and the money he is willing to put into this. That he works two jobs to make sure we have proper medical coverage (even though I never get to see him L) I love him more then ever and know he is a true man for standing by his wife in all of her struggles.

"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatiens breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement, and failure. Patients creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success."-Brian Adams