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Getting my treatments day one

(they hurt!)

Last week I received my 3 solumedrol treatments. Although they did not work as fast or as well as the last time I had them when I was admitted into the hospital in February my doctor has assured me that it could take up to 2 weeks to get the full results. The annoying numbness in my face has begun to fade and I look forward to it just going away! So I realize that my last post was beyond depressing and a little too honest, but this is the reason that I am blogging. I want people to know and understand that this disease although not fatal can be debilitating both physically and emotionally. If 2.5 million people in the world have MS why is it we don’t hear more about it? I hope to be a small voice in the crowd of millions to put in plain words just what it is we go through on a daily basis. Because of this relapse I realized that I needed to enter some type of physical rehab as I had done in the hospital. Monday I enrolled in the U of U MS rehab clinic. It was so hard to swallow when I was informed I was the youngest in the group of sixty participants. It does scare me at times when I realize that this just isn’t going away and that I will have to live with this the rest of my life. I look at the other members in their fifties and sixties and think they have it so much easier because they were able to live a normal life, raise a family, and have a career. But I must step back see that no other 21 year old has this outlook on life and that I have an opportunity in my life to make something of it.

"You gain strength, courage & confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you cannot do."- Eleanor Roosevelt

Relapse...

Well I knew it was going to happen one day I just didn’t think it would happen only 3 months after getting out of the hospital. As usual I tried taking on way to much and decided to finish my last two classes to apply for nursing school. Three weeks into the class I began to feel very sick and I knew something just wasn’t right. Soon my left foot began to go numb again. One day in cadaver lab I just began to have a panic attack and just started to cry. I knew I needed to leave right away, and hurried home. I cried the whole way home. I think I cried for two days straight because I once again had to drop out of school. I am so terrified I will never be able to accomplish anything in life because of this. I honestly am terrified for my future and find myself beyond depressed. I am so scared for my future and only want to be successful, as a mother, and a great wife and I find myself lacking. My left foot, arm, and FACE are now numb. Jeff and I made a trip to my MS specialist and got more bad news…my rheumatoid numbers are very high. What this means I am not sure and either does my doctor, she assured me it could mean a number of things. I will now have to see a rheumatologist and get to the bottom of these high numbers and can only pray for the best. I will be going into the hospital on Thursday morning to begin a drug treatment of solumedrol (super strong steroids) although they hurt like a nut job I truly do love them due to the fact they help me feel things again! This is THE hardest thing that I have ever had to go through next to losing my brother. I have a hard time understanding the plan my heavenly father has for me but I am sure there is a reason for all of my pain and suffering. I just have to have patients. I am so thankful for my sweet Jeff for understanding and his sureness that I can make it through. For his pep talks every night that he loves me with all his heart and that he will never leave me no matter how hard this may become and the money he is willing to put into this. That he works two jobs to make sure we have proper medical coverage (even though I never get to see him L) I love him more then ever and know he is a true man for standing by his wife in all of her struggles.

"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatiens breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement, and failure. Patients creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success."-Brian Adams